ship-jumper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A surprise I could have lived without So happy to have been back at home this last week! CK and I were house sitting for her parents and watching their two dogs as well as her brothers dog for about 2 ½ weeks. My little one was of course with us too. To truly understanding the story to be shared, one must understand the characters. (Note: Names have been changed to protect the not so innocent!) The Princess- Ok those of you that have followed me the past couple years on my other diaryland spot know full well who this is! My precious little white 9 pound Chihuahua who truly has a Napoleon complex and insists on having her own separate pillow on the couch so that she can in a sense be on a throne and her precious rump can be cushioned. She is the cutest and sweetest little thing you could ever have come snuggle on your lap, and she wins the hearts of even the truest of small dog detesters. One look at the Princess and you just want to give her anything and everything. Despite her size, the other four legged pooches respect her dominance and bow down to her. The Queen- He has no royal blood and hardly acts as if the Court is in his control. However he does prance about just as well as a flaming queen at a drag show. If dogs are gay, then Queenie boy is wearing pink boas, fake boobs, has his package wrapped and is dancing around the back yard thinking it is his stage at a night club and hopes if he does a great job he’ll get some milk bones stuffed in his brazier. Now I’ll tell you his breed…..a white Standard Poodle. Picture that. You may as well picture him trying to hump all of the other dogs too as he’s rather horny. He has quite the crush on The Wizard. Unfortunately he also has the most obnoxious gas that passes through him and you'd swear the paint is going to peel right off the walls. The Queen is somewhat dense, and the rest of the pooches pretty much treat him as if he is just another subject of The Court. Don't let the gas or horniness bother you tho, as he is such a cute and adorable snuggle bug if you just start rubbing his ears. Cutie patutie. The Court Jester- Jester is definitely the most playful of the bunch as well as the most talented . She can talk! Cleo is actually CK’s dog but is staying at In-Laws palace for different reasons at the moment. She is a happy, goofy and very silly dog who most resembles a Dutch Shepherd but is technically considered a Heinz 57. She is undercover in her disguise as the Jester, as truthfully she is the Gestapo of The Grounds. Should a squirrel come within the confines of the backyard of the palace, or should a dog pass by the front grounds unannounced she will be sure to let you know. She is a gentle soul and a true sweetie. She does get a bit jealous however and will position herself in between CK and the other dogs if she doesn’t feel she is getting all of the love to go around, or CK’s affections are getting too deep for the others. The Wizard- Here is an adorable Chow Chow who graced us with her presence while her master was out basking at the Lake Resort. (CK’s Bro). Wizard is aging and is near total deafness so she seemingly does whatever she wants despite my commands. I actually thought she was blind rather than deaf so I wasn’t talking extra loud to her. Go figure why she didn’t give a damn what I said. She also smells awful as she thinks she can eradicate the world of all rodents and so she loves to chase small creatures. Most recently, the small animal she caught fought back and sprayed its lovely skunk spray right in her face. The skunk smell is embedded in her thick fur, and she loved me most and clung to my side 24/7. Lovely lovely. I can still smell skunk. I think it is a part of my nose hairs forever. Her idol is Harry Houdini and she has learned how to escape any kind of enclosure that she is penned in. Magical powers can be the only logical explanation for her large frame to pass thru tight gates and wooden fence slats. None of these four legged friends act as if they have ever been fed. Feeding time for these four felt like the cafeteria line in high school. Oh how I feel for the lunch ladies now! Give me give me give me NOW! Too, they all think one of the others is going to snatch their food so they inhale it without ever tasting it. The Wizard is the worst and has to be put out by the moat while the other 3 are being fed or she just barrels her head in there and starts eating no matter what. I have tripped over these huge dogs several times during “The Feed” The doorbell rings, and you’d think we were in a dog kennel with 25 Great Danes. The amount of noise produced by these four is unbelievable. I contemplated recording the sound, making a slew of copies and marketing them as a home alarm system. We ordered Chinese food one night, and the guy was so scared he went back to his car, finally passing us the food from the window. One story I MUST share involves only the Queen. Remember this is a Standard Poodle…he is BIG. Ok, here’s the set up: I am just waking up. I am sleeping on the couch in the family room as for whatever reason the spare room was really hot, and I just can’t get comfortable sleeping in the in-laws bed. Something about that was too weird for me. No coffee yet. 5 minutes of trying to adjust to the light and remove myself from my dream world is as far as I’ve gotten. I then hear CK scream upstairs thru the open door to the backyard. “Honey!!! I NEED your help!!” So I stumble off the couch, crash my knee on the coffee table, race up the stairs and just get my hands placed on the glass door to pass my way through and that is when I saw it. I was NOT prepared for this kind of “help.” In fact, I had no idea how in hell I would “help” in this situation anyway. That was the moment that all I saw….was CK….bent over at the waist….behind The Queen….with her hand at his rear end……pulling something very long and cylindrical out of his ass!!!! WTF???? I damn near lost the breakfast I hadn’t even eaten yet right then and there. Talk about a dry heave!! In horror I asked what the hell she was doing pulling something out of the Queens ass and she then told me what it was. It was an extra large, extra thick Huggies Wet Wipe!!!!! These things are the size of a paper towel only thicker. WHAT was it doing in his ass??? Well…..we had been painting the rooms of The Palace, and these things are the bomb for cleaning the little spills or dabbing the areas where you’ve over painted. No one told ME that I shouldn’t leave them on the floor. No one told me that this Queen LOVES to eat Wet Wipes! He goes ape for them! I mean who would think of that?? It was obvious The Queen had eaten one and had it pass thru his system undamaged as he could not poo poo it out. He was walking around the back yard with a Wet Wipe sticking out his bum, so CK had to pull it out. GAG. THREE of those things came out that day. The Queen has the cleanest intestinal tract of any dog, human or any other creature there is. Too bad it did nothing to lessen the stench of his gas problem. Talk about a colon cleanse, eh? Maybe I'll give it a go sometime. You think CK will help if I "NEED help?" 1:06 p.m. - 2007-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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