ship-jumper's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Decision not required Haste makes waste. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don’t talk to strangers. Wash your hands after using the restroom. Follow your heart. Great little sayings we’ve all known for years, know that everyone else knows them, and continue to shower on others when deemed needed and appropriate as if it will be the first time the recipient will hear them. No matter how much you know you find you know even less, and regardless of the amount of times we have spewed something to someone else we find we still need reminding of the same thing. The last little blurb from above was tossed my way the other night by poolagirl in response to a dilemma I found myself in. The difficulty in reading those words was that I could not even come close to deciphering my heart in all of the emotions, thoughts, and wildness racing through my mind. If I didn’t know what was coming from my heart how could I follow it? Needless to say I didn’t get any epiphany as to what my next step was other than the knowledge that I did not know where my heart was leading so I just needed to wait. Wait. Make the decision to make no decision. With all of the sadness that Tuesday brought with the horrific events in Virginia, the impact of death hit home with me in a small way early in the evening. I received an email telling me that the wicked StepUnit's mother passed away a few hours earlier. She had been sick for some time and is definitely in a better place. Perhaps it was all of the emotion from the day from watching the events unfold that put me in a hyper-sensitive state, I don’t know, as the reaction I had to that email was quite troubling to me in some ways. The StepUnit and I have not had the greatest of relationships over the years. She is, for lack of better words, an evil bitch. The one thing I have always held on to in order to give her some credit is that she has made my father happy. Yes, over the years of living with her and dad since around 11 years of age, she did much to make my life good. We were always fed. She taught me many things from cooking, baking, needlepoint, crocheting, and of course we can’t forget racism, egotism, nastiness, prejudice, …oops….I’m supposed to be reflecting good points here. So sorry. Let’s just say that StepUnit is a source, a very deep source, of extreme anger and just ickiness to me right now. We don’t have a relationship. We don’t talk. She conveniently “just left the house” whenever I phone. While I have been out to my family for 17 years now, StepUnit slid back about 18 years in her acceptance of me when I shared the news with them that I was propose to CK. 17 years ago I was told I wasn’t welcome in their home when I came out to them and was in a sense ignored for some time. It was the same experience all over again. No response to voicemails left. No reply to emails. If I was able to catch Dad on the phone no mention was made of CK or what was going on with the plans. If I didn’t call there was no attempt from their end for conversation after that news. According to Dad the StepUnit is having ‘adjustment issues’ and because of that it wasn’t really feasible for him to contact or talk to me. Fuck that. It was a nasty time for me. On Christmas I finally told my Dad that he needed to make a decision once and for all who was wearing the pants in that family and where I was on the ladder of importance in his life. Not talking to me because your wife has issues just isn’t ok anymore and I’m not playing the game anymore. I miss my dad. I miss my dad very much. Unfortunately he is for the most part allowing the pressures of the StepUnit’s shallow thinking, nasty words and pressure to continue the wedge between Dad and I deepen. I will give him credit though that he does ask about CK when he can get it in and has spoken to her on the phone a couple of times. Sad thing is that if it wasn’t for StepUnit my Dad and CK would be great chums right now! Needless to say I have zero respect for this woman. This example of her actions/behavior is one of many over the years that has made my liking of her almost non-existent. So. I find my eyes reading the words that her mother passed away as I was sitting on the couch with CK and her father watching the hockey game. My eyes swell immediately with tears. I feel myself gasp as a sadness starts to move in and create a heaviness on my chest. My thoughts immediately go to figuring out how we are going to get a ticket for me to go back to the states for the funeral, where I will stay as I know going home is not an option, and how I will form the words to my wife that despite my knowledge of her wanting to support me I would need to tell her that she cannot come with me. I found myself wanting to be there for StepUnit and hold her in my arms and share in her tears. THAT is what then sent me on a roller coaster of confusion and indescribable thoughts and rationales. Despite the hatred I feel for this woman at times I found I wanted to rush to her side and be a support. What a trip. I wasn’t sure who I was or what was going on with me at that point. There are always the ‘expectations’ ever present yet never spoken in situations such as this. Put your personal feelings aside. You just have to do the right thing and go to the funeral. Family is family after all. Well….Do I go to the funeral? Would she even want me there? She can’t stand me so why would she want me there? Would my presence make things worse? I didn’t really know her mother but my brother was close to her. My step-sisters were close to her. My dad was close to her. I ‘should’ be there at least for them. I knew I was in a no win situation with these suppositions. If I don’t go she reels on about how I am selfish and care only about myself and doesn’t even care enough to take time out of my schedule to go to this family event. If I do go I am rude and selfish, showing up when I know I am not wanted and creating a scene. Now, I had already told my Dad that when CK and I married I was no longer going to play the game of being someone I’m not. If CK isn’t welcome to come with me for visits than I would not be going to them. Of course in this situation I immediately knew this would not be a time to stand true to that statement. I do have respect after all. Besides, the last thing I would want for CK is to meet that side of my family for the first time under those circumstances. Given that however, I admittedly got pissed more that I have to even consider that. I was rather mixed up over the whole thing. Unsure of what the ‘right’ thing to do was. Was my contemplation of attending the funeral out of obligation, wanting to be there, and which was the right motivation for going? And WHY was I so emotional about it all?? It shocked me really. Not that I would EVER truthfully wish horror on StepUnit, I guess I was a bit surprised that I was worried about her. Yes we are all human in the end. I guess you’d have to really know this woman as well as the dynamics of it all and all of it over the years to really understand it fully. I popped an email off to poolagirl (Butthead) sharing a bit of what was running thru my brain. Simply and stately the words came across the screen. Follow your heart. Since I didn’t know what that was after being silent for some time later that night and setting up a place to stay with my dear friend back home in case I decided to go, I just called it a night and went to bed. A response to my inquiry to my dad as to the arrangements was waiting for me in my inbox the following morning. Long and short of it the decision has been made. While I am “welcome to attend” it would be more appropriate and appreciated that I do not. So there you have it. Follow your heart. Even if it means that you follow it to bed and rest on the issue over night. Many times I have found that we do not need to make decisions on matters we perceive to be screaming our attention but rather they get decided for us. My heart was in the right place. I was ready and willing to go, putting aside differences and ill feelings. My willingness to do so was motivated by goodness and sense of family and nothing else. That is all I am responsible for. I am sorry that StepUnit is experiencing this loss as she truly was the 1 of I think 6 kids that took care of her mom the brunt of the time. I am sorry for her sadness. Her mother was a sweet, little adorable and strong woman who touched many. She will be missed. I will say my goodbye and channel my support to my step-sisters, Dad and rest of the group from afar. And that is all good. Follow your heart. 11:50 p.m. - 2007-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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